Breaking Free

Better late than never. It's about time the shackles were broken. It's time to test the waters. One fleeting glance back tugged at my heart strings. Doleful eyes brimming with tears nearly stopped me in my tracks. But a covetous strategy egged me on.. the chains were broken, freedom set forth on a unstoppable journey.. the journey with no destination or maybe some.. the truth lies in the dark, uncovered only to emerge to shine light when the time's right.

Heard the song again, the one that set my heart beating a miraculous million beats per second, this time around, there were no palpitations, no nervousness, no fluttering, no melancholic pangs. Something has been set free, I continue on my journey... to uncover the light

Psychobabble

One minute you are here, another you are there. Free-falling through the twisted colons of sinister life, although the fall is not free. Bumpy ride gets you somewhere, don't know where?!? That's how sinister life is. Keeps you guessing. Keeps you on your toes. Makes your heart run a marathon, leaving you breathless. You are in a dark room with just one door. Light on the other side, shadows underneath. Makes the hair on your nape stand up straight. Standing on the edge of a mountain, feeling the gush of the wind through your hair, whispering softly in your ear..to jump. You look down, your insides turn mushy, your feet get sweaty. Life tempts you, cajoles, begs, pushes. But you take a step back, turn and walk away. You are afraid. There is no bed of roses waiting for you at the bottom. Devil befriends you disguised like an angel. You look into his eyes and see the fire, but you don't see the masquerade, the faint peel of the mask. You chose to ignore, because you are a gullible child. You wait till his hot poker sticks out your chest, you gasp in pain but still smile. You think it was all a mistake. You live through it, but the hole remains as a sore remainder of your naiive trust. When will you learn? You pluck a green leaf off of a tree and turn it over. You see the beautiful green veins and understand the true meaning of life. Turn over a new leaf everyday and you learn that fear and anger can no longer touch you. Just be happy or in love.....

All you need to know about the Aries Enticer

One beautiful Thursday evening, 19th April 1979 to be precise, a 9 pound fat babygirl kicked her way out her mother's stomach. This [ram]bunctious little chica born under the sun sign Aries is the epitome of girlpower! She was always fighting,.... for that extra idli, her nephew's broken toy, her cousin sister's stiletto shoes, 2 rupees to buy Sundal from a roadside vendor, for more attention. She just can't have enough..more...more...MORE..she yells! Father always wondered, "What is she going to be when she grows up? WWF Chyna?

When Linda Goodman started writing her bestseller on Sun Signs she must have had Jo in mind, because she described her Arian traits to the T. Here's what she had to say to her:

"Jo, When Byron wrote that 'Man's love is of Man's life a thing apart;'tis woman's whole existence', obviously the poor man forgot about you. You can live without a man, can't you? Love maybe your whole existence but not the beginning and end of your life. But ofcourse darling, getting along without a man is not the same as getting along without romance. You always need the hero of your dreams to yearn for you in his heart. I know, no matter where he is, near or faraway, you'll think about him in an April rain. You detest lovestruck puppies and worshiping slaves. You need a man who will keep you guessing, who will resist your impact. You will chase such a man into a corner and leave no stones unturned in finding out why your charm isn't overwhelming him. It's your Mars ego dearie, to prove you are desirable, even when you have no lasting interest in him. Like the Great Scarlett O'Hara, you will gather every available male for a hundred miles around your feet, while your willful heart yearns for that one man you can't have for one reason or the other. Blimey! you love flattery woman! Not the flowery, sugary kind but one with a honest base. But honey, the prince you are looking for only exists in fairy tales. Isn't that why your days are bright and full of excitement and your nights are sometimes dark and full of longing? Yet, when your defeated dreams become smoldering ashes - just as you think the flame is dying, you leap up to build another fire! Your love, like your speech and action is direct. That's why you baffle men with your sudden proclamations and direct proposals. Taking the first step in everything comes so easy for you. And that is why jumping the gun always leads you into trouble. I know you child..you'll demand a lot but will give back in double measure. But your stinginess in love is alarmingly dangerous when it comes to what is yours. I know how possessive you can get! What is yours is yours and very little can set off a jealous explosion! When your Aries heart is hurt, you turn from fire to ice. Your ice can be eternal. Injuring your pride and dampening your enthusiasm will break your heart and people are constantly doing that to you. But keep this in mind girl, you do not, I repeat YOU DO NOT run this Universe. And one day when you discover that, people will see you for who you are, defense-less and vulnerable in the extreme, for all your outer confidence. Your Aries idealism and optimistic faith in human nature is often dashed to bits by reality. You will waste little time on changing any situation that brings unhappiness by casanovas who stop paying attention, nip them in the bud. I know how unreasonably temperamental you are and how you like to create violent scenes! Men beware! She bruises easily inspite of her bright brave smile (that's her shield against hurt). So if you can turn the Ram into a Lamb, you'll have a woman who is honest, passionate, loyal and exciting - though she maybe a little impulsive, bossy and independent. Well you can't have everything you know. If you believe in her just half as much as she believes in you, you could make some miracles together."

"But aren't you going to run and help her?" Alice asked...
"No use, no use" said the King.
"She runs so fearfully quick,
you might as well try to catch a bandersnatch"

Love,
Linda
Source: Linda Goodman's SunSigns

Words

~WORDS~

Those words, those benign string of alphabets
how they spring forth emotions
of happiness, of grief, of upsets
How they toy, with slow deliberation,
with dubious hearts, making them outlets
of raw, unabashed excitation

How they lift you up and put you down
when juxtaposed with a tinge of sadism
How they leave you hanging on to each one
until they dissolve into nothingness and leave you feeling lonesome
But then there are words uttered with intended pun
How they make you wonder the truth behind them
and leave you feeling bothersome

And those words, those glib talks
thrown in your face so carelessly
spurring deep inside a feeling of faux
and you try to pry it's true identity mercilessly
because you think truths were once lies,
but dig deep, deeper and you will uncover a paradox

Of many errors you make, you stereotype
words spoken many a times by many a mortal
you fail to understand that you are creating a hype
for each to his own, his words are his portal
into your life, his purpose, is of a different type
so open your doors to him and you can tell

Those words, those benign string of alphabets
how they steal a place in your heart
How they clutter your brain and flutter in your heart's closet
Those words..... trust them, so they don't tear you apart!


(c) Copyrights 2007 Jyothi Samarthi
All rights reserved.

Ice is Thin

~For my best friend~

How fragile.... relationships are.. you never know until you've had one. If we were robots we'd function without emotions the way we were programmed to, but alas! It's not that easy! Two really rascally demons called the mind and the heart are forever fighting with each other and that is what makes us human. From time immemorial, the realms of love and happiness have been harped about by people who have absolutely no idea what they mean. No two persons can undergo the same emotion. There are several different ways of dealing with it and one person's point of view may not agree with the other. Why I am saying this? Because what I am about to convey, is not for you, so don't blame me if you screw your existing relationship after reading this! Solutions online are not tailor-made for your problems. Why I am writing this then? Well, you are not human if atleast once in your lifetime you don't feel this incessant urge to scribble your bit about love and happiness.. he he. What are blogs for anyways, If not for blabber-heads like me? ;)

So you are a man or a woman or both, you are in love, you suckers are walking on thin ice! Yes sirree! How dare you think that you can be happy forever?!! You decide to do a little tap dance because you are so happy, the freaking ice is going to break under your feet moron! And then you drop into the freezing water... feeling numb from cold or fear you don't know, drowning in water or sorrow, you don't know..scary huh? Sure is!

The conventionally superstitious fools blame it on the "Evil Eye".. such mad-rush these fools are in, they forget it's their own doing. No matter how many "Evil eyes" are floating around, following your every gasp of happiness or cry of ecstasy, it's still your own doing Bozo! As if it's not enough that your lazy, fat, middle finger is busy digging your nose for dried up boogers, you had to! I mean... HAD to put it through the tiny little hole in your pocket and tear the whole thing apart! Curious little critter, aren't you? You damn very well know there is nothing beyond that hole, but had to damage it anyway because you are so dumb! Alright, so you did that, over and done with. Now just be a little patient and try to sew those pieces together.

Wondering where the heck love and happiness figures in the above? My my! Aren't we clever! Ok, coming back, being in love or being too happy does feel like you are walking on thin ice, in laywoman terms:


1) If a guys loves you, shut your gob and let him.
2) If he really loves you, he will go all the way, no matter what, so still shut your gob and trust him.
3) If you are under the evil curse of the killer pms, shut your gob.
4) If you are such a smartypant, keep them on and don't read between his lines. Most of the time, his thinking happens in his brain only and not between his legs!
5) And finally, when he is talking, shut your gob and listen!!!

If you don't.. the ice is thin...

In layman terms:

1) If you love a woman, love her all the way.. including her highs and lows.
2) If you make promises, keep them.
3) If you've helped her build a dream castle, stay with her until you've both completed it.
4) If you are the reason, she is happy, make sure she stays happy all her life, so stay with her.
5) If she is under the evil curse of the killer pms, shut her gob up or if she's running her mouth don't listen to her.
6) If she cries, hug her.
7) If she emotionally blackmails you, understand that she doesn't mean it, she is just afraid of losing you.
8) If you don't like what she is doing, tell her to stop doing it. Trust me..she will.
9) Finally, all she needs is a little love, understanding and attention and ofcourse COMMITMENT! Give it to her and she will shut her gob!

If you don't.. the ice is thin...

In laylover's terms:

1)If you both are at the top of the mountain, don't push the other over the edge, the drop could be fatal. Instead, hold on to each other and stay safe.
2)If you have erred, take one step backward and take a giant leap forward! You may just end up crossing over the thin ice.
3)Do it together..do it for love and happiness... do it because life is too freaking short to give up so soon.
4)Patience is virtue, cowardice is vice.
5)L & H means the world to someone as do you.

If you don't, the ice is still thin...

Love,
Jo

Dedicated to all love-sick fools who are still struggling to make it to the other side.

In Front of your eyes

~For my Father without whom I am a nobody~

In front of your eyes,

This tiny bud bloomed into a flower
This ugly little duckling turned into a beautiful swan
This little fish braved the great seas
This little ant survived the floods
This little bird learned to fly
This little monkey let go to fall free among the tree branches
This little cub wandered far to learn the great ways of life
This baby elephant raced ahead of you bravely into the crocodile infested waters
This little phoenix is burning...daddy.. I need your hand, let me hold it tight, help me ....

Dearest,

Don't cry my little one
I was right behind you every time watching over you
And I am with you right now
Hold my hand,
Don't cry, your tears will only smolder the ashes
Let it burn, let the fire rage within you
Let not the fire sting you but fill you with strength
Let not the miseries of this world bog you down
Fight it like you are fighting your fire
Let not your own words, feelings and emotions poison you from within
Kill them with that fire
I am here my dearest, I will not let you destroy yourself
Here, Hold my hand and rise from the ashes

And thus this little phoenix conquered the fire and rose from the ashes again and again and again and yet again..

Image courtesy: Google images
(C) Copyrights 2007 Jo Samarthi

Death was unintended

Inspired by the King of Horror, Stephen King, I am rendering my own work of fiction . I was always fascinated by the supernatural. So here goes..this is going to be terribly long as I didn't want to end it with to-be-continueds especially a suspense thriller like this one, so read the caution and proceed.

Caution: This story contains horror , gruesome details, strong language and is intended for mature audience only.

"Why don't you join us? It's not everytime Fat-ass leaves us in peace" Ronnie was holding up his fingers in the air showing the inverted comma sign as if to stress 'fat-ass'. Roger knew who he was talking about. Their boss Mr. Samson was a tyrant. There wasn't a single employee in the restaurant, where he worked, who liked him. He was a foul-mouthed, obese, ruddy man whom even the good ones like Rita called Mr. Fat-ass when he was not around, not that he would even know she used 'Mr'. Word was that Mr. Samson was bi-sexual. Roger wouldn't have cared, if he hadn't noticed the way Mr.Samson stared at his crotch openly. Roger was disgusted, but kept about his business. He was new to town and although the order-taker job wasn't too satisfying, it was enough to make ends meet. Afterall there was only one mouth to feed.. his own. So he threw caution to the wind and continued to work there. "You coming man? Fat-ass won't be back until noon tomorrow. The boys are hitting the bar for some drinks and gossip. He wont be around to lash at us if we show up late tomorrow. What say?" Ronnie asked again. Roger was never interested in gossiping or drinking so he politely declined Ronnie's invitation and walked out. He preferred the gazebo outside the church close to his workplace where he spent most of his free time. He was 55, a loner and an introvert. Socialising was never his cup of tea. Almost all his life was spent trouble-free and people-free. He preferred it that way. "I want to die painlessly and peacefully" he would say to himself sometimes. He feared death. Always had. He feared not just death but the horror associated with it. As a child, he grew up believing that his room was filled with creatures lurking in closets, under the bed and behind closed doors waiting to pounce on him. This fear was instilled in him by his neighbour, Matt, who was an old man and his only friend. Matt would tell him gruesome stories of children eaten up by toothy monsters which live under beds and in closets. Roger always curled up in his bed and preferred to sleep with the lights turned on. He wanted to sleep in his parent's bedroom, but they would hear nothing of that sort. "You are a big boy Roger. There are no monsters under your bed. Now go to sleep" his father would retort to Roger's pleading. Although he lived alone all his life, he lived it in fear. Inspite of this yellow streak in him, he detested sharing his tiny shack with anyone. When he moved in, he even refrained from all the niceties and pretty much kept to himself. Nosy neighbours was the last thing he wanted although they lived quite far away. His shack was the only one on that long stretch. For $50 a month, that was the best he could afford. 'This place needs to be fumigated' was the first thought that crossed his mind when the landlady showed him around. The place crawled with insects. Roger spent close to an hour at the gazebo revelling in reminiscing thoughts. Then he bought groceries in a store and walked back home. Just as he turned the corner, the street lights went out. "Damn!" he cursed aloud. He hated the dark. He stayed put until his eyes adjusted to the darkness. But all of a sudden, he heard the vrrr of a vehicle and a light from behind him illuminated the road. An old beat-up convertible pulled up beside him, which he instantly recognised as Mr.Samson's. "Hey there Roger. Everything ok?" "Mr.Sam-son, I.., you are back. Yes I am fine. The power went out. My shack is over t-there." Roger was dumbfounded. 'what is this man doing here when he was supposed to be out of town?' he thought. 'Surely he has no business on this road. It's a cul-de-sac, besides the fact that there are no other houses around' Roger frowned. "I know, I have something to discuss with you, a business proposal. I came back this evening. Do you want a ride?" Samson unlocked the car door on Roger's side. "B-business with me? Mr. Samson..I don't.." "Just get in Roger, we'll discuss this at your shack." Samson cut him. Roger wanted this over with and besides he knew he won't be able to make it to his shack on his own in this darkness so he silently nodded and got into the passenger seat of the car. Within seconds they pulled up outside the shack and got out. During the short ride Samson had been silent and Roger was grateful for that. Roger wasn't going to give any excuses for his tiny shack. Infact he secretly wished that Samson would be disgusted by the looks of it and would leave. "Aren't you going to invite me inside? It's cold out here, unless you want to discuss business with me under the moonlight?" Samson winked at Roger and gave him one of his best smiles. Roger wasn't quick-witted enough to read between the lines. With a silent grunt he opened the door for Samson. Just then the power came back on and he was relieved that he dint have to look for candles in the dark. Samson seated himself on the bed, his emormous belly spilling over his jean and peeking from under his t-shirt which was a size too small. Roger just stood there looking around. "Do you have something to drink? I am sapped. It was a long ride back." Samson asked. "Just orange juice. I don't drink." Roger replied. Samson nodded his approval and Roger turned to walk towards the refrigerator to fetch him the juice . He felt Samson's eyes boring into his back. He did not like that. He looked around for a defensive tool and his eyes fell on the pick-axe he used to chop wood for his fireplace. 'No I won't kill him. Maybe just scare him a bit, that is if he tries any tricks' He thought to himself. Making a mental note of the distance between the axe and the bed, Roger came back and handed Samson his juice. "You are a handsome man Roger. I heard you never married. Prefer the crack do you?" Samson winked. "Err.. I don't know what you are talking about Mr.Samson. You wanted to discuss something?" "Ok! I'll come straight to the point." Samson stood up and walked towards Roger. "You should know by now, that I swing both ways, but lately my preferences have leaned towards beautiful men like you." Samson began circling Roger as he spoke. Roger had his eyes on the pick-axe, he did not like where this was leading. "That blonde bitch, who I had been fucking all summer, rubbed me up the wrong way. And guess what happened to her?" He continued without waiting for an answer, "I got someone to plant drugs on her and got the cops feeling her up. That fucking bitch is doing time and deteriorating behind the bars. I have connections my dear Roger. Serves her right for screwing behind my back. Enough of dumb boobies. I want some muscle, some real tight ones." he flashed his teeth in a smile. Roger grimaced. "W-what does it have to do with me Mr.S-Sam.." "Hear me out first" Samson spat out. He looked menacing now, his jowls quivering with excitement, he looked like a ferocious boxer dog. " I want you, I want you to be my partner in business and bed, the partnership in business is complimentary to the services you will be providing me in bed." So saying, Samson snaked his hand out and grabbed Roger between his legs. "NO! Take your filthy hands off me!" Pushing Samson's hand away Roger backed towards the pick-axe. Taking it in his hands, he raised it in self-defense. "Don't you dare come close to me you freaking filthy bastard!" "Calm down Roger, you don't know who you are dealing with. Put that axe down and lets talk." Samson proceeded to walk towards Roger. "No! Stay where you are or else.." Roger in a bid to scare Samson took two steps in front and inadvertently tripped on his shoelaces and fell forward. Just as he fell, the axe in his hand landed on top of Samson's head, the base of the axe still in Roger's hand. Everything happened so quick, neither had the time to react. Samson screamed on impact and Roger screamed with him. Blood spurted from where the axe lodged itself in the center of Samson's head. Roger let go of the axe and Samson staggered and fell backwards. Roger felt his head reeling and bile rising up in his throat. He threw up right there and watched in horror as Samson's body convulsed for sometime and went still. "This can't be happening... this can't be happening to me" He crouched down and cried. His whole life had crumbled before him in a short span of time. "I don't want to go to jail, oh God! please help me." He wailed. Outside the owl hooted, the town slept unaware. Roger knew he could not carry this burly man's body all by himself. He had no intentions of calling the police even. He had to somehow dispose off the body and leave town before someone finds out. He had no other option than to cut up the body into pieces and stuff it into a garbage bag and dump it somewhere. Cursing aloud, he pulled the axe out of Samson's head and it came out with a dull squishy sound. Roger groaned. He was not ready for what needed to be done. "But I have to, Sorry Mr.Samson, I didn't mean to kill you. It was a mistake. Please don't come back and haunt me." He spoke aloud addressing the dead body. No sooner had he finished uttering the words, he heard a sound. It sounded like scratching and seemed to be coming from the corner near his bed. The hair on the nape of his neck stood up. He tried to listen intently but the sound stopped. "I hope it is not you Mr.Samson. I have a very weak heart. I'm now going to cut you up. I promise you it will be quick and painless. Oh! you can't feel the pain, you are dead already." Roger was amused for a split second at what he just said. 'I must be going mad, there is a man dead in my house and I am joking, I must be going mad' he thought. Roger was in shock. He looked at the turgid corpse and frowned. "This is going to be messy" he thought aloud. Raising the axe, he brought it down with full force and chopped Mr. Samson's head off. Blood sprayed everywhere. At that very moment, he remenisced about his butcher days and thought 'chopping chickens were better'. After the chopping ordeal was over, he threw up until he had no bile left. He checked the time. 3.oo AM. He needed sleep. He pushed the garbage bags filled with parts of Mr.Samson under his bed and wiped the floor clean leaving no traces of blood. He decided to dump him tomorrow. No one ever visits, no one will ever know. "I have to put my dithering mind to rest Mr.Samson, I will decide tomorrow what I want to do with you. Goodnight ...err.. Fat-Ass!" 'I am mad' Roger closed his eyes. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The sound was coming from under his bed. Something was moving underneath it. He felt something bumping the woodboard from under. Roger was scared. He had never been this scared in his whole life. This time, he heard a rustle, like something was letting itself free from the garbage bag. Roger tried to curl up on his bed. He would not let any part of him hang out lest this thing under his bed reached up for him. He felt his heart palpitate, he was sweating profusely. "Scratch scratch" .. it was unmistakebly nails being raked against the floor boards. this thing had nails even. Roger felt fear enveloping him. He was finding it difficult to breath. He heard moaning and realised it was coming from his throat. He heard more sounds coming from the foot of his bed. He kept his eyes shut tightly and tried to curl up into a feotus. The sounds were drawing closer. In his mind's eye, he saw Samson's severed arm making its way up by crawling up the foot of the bed. The nails unnaturally long and pointed, the skin black and festered with gaping holes revealing tender, red blood flesh inside. His heart constricted at the thought. The severed arm was now near his foot. He felt it graze against his big toe. The palpitations increased, his breathing was labored and he felt a piercing pain in his heart. He felt something sharp piercing his big toe. 'Fat-ass is taking revenge' was his last thought before death came. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- After nibbling at the dead man's big toe some more the large rat jumped off the bed and scurried into its hole near the corner of the bed. The sleepy town woke up to just another day. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The deadmen were found after two days by Ronnie who went to check in on Roger because he failed to report for work. According to the autopsy reports, Roger died of a heart-attack. Death was unintended... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Copyright © 2006 Jyothi Samarthi All rights reserved. Illustration : Jo Samarthi