I came into Jade’s life when she thought everything was lost. I befriended her when she lost her mother. I was everything she couldn’t be. So I ruled her. She was my slave..but the stupid bitch won't listen to me sometimes...I only wanted her to be happy…
“What’s the big idea Jade? Are you going to be like this all your life?” Jade stared at the ceiling. “I’m your controller Jade. You need ME, without ME, you are null. Who soothed you, when your father whipped you and there was no one to ease the pain? And you refuse to listen to ME sometimes? Remember the hurt you felt every time you went unnoticed, when your father would come home and hug your step-mother and not you? Remember the shame you felt, when you’re father in his drunken stupor stripped you naked and paraded you in the living room much to the amusement of your step-mother? Why? Just because you asked him to buy you a dress for your birthday? “Enough! I don’t want to hear anymore!” Jade yelled at HER.
Ignoring Jade SHE continued, “It was I who made you hurl abuses at your father; it was I who made your voice heard. He won’t come near you anymore and it was MY doing. You don’t need him Jade. Not as much as you need ME. Keep that knife under your pillow Jade. I always tell you, you might have use for it someday. “
“It was your fault your mother died. She died for you. She died because she couldn’t bear the torture your drunken bastard of a father meted out to you. She took the beatings, she took the pain. She couldn’t bear to see you taking it too. Why do you still need him? Listen to me and you will be happy forever. You must kill them both. Kill them!”
“No! I can’t I can’t” Jade screamed clutching at her throat. “Don’t make me do this. I will listen to you. Anything…anything at all. I can’t kill.” Jade pleaded. She felt nauseous. Her head felt heavy. SHE had been there for her at all times since her mother committed suicide by self-immolation. She is grateful to HER for HER company. But she just didn’t like the way SHE spoke. SHE made her do things to forget her sadness. Jade looked at her arm, the puncture marks were fresh. She suddenly felt like she needed a shot. She scrambled in her purse and found it. “Yes! That’s a good girl! You need one now don’t you? You will soon descend into oblivion, you will forget everything around you…..go on do it….feel euphoric…” SHE cajoled.
Jade listened to HER. Sometimes she liked what she heard. Sometimes she let herself be controlled by HER. She bit her lips as the syringe went through her skin and pierced her vein. She threw her head back and felt strange and yet comfortable. “Fuck YOU….Fuck father, fuck that step-whore…fuck this world..” mumbling incoherently she plopped on her bed and closed her eyes.
SHE chuckled. “Good! Now if I can just get you outside..” Jade smiled inadvertently... her eyes were still closed..
Jade administered another shot. She was at HER mercy now. She got up from her bed and stepped outside on wobbly legs. “Girl! For the first time in 16 years of your life, you are not going to regret this…follow ME” Jade heard HER say. “I know what is best for you. You need to listen to ME. You need to get back at your daddy, he fornicated…you must fornicate too. He beat you black and blue, you must rebel and show him who’s in charge. If he brings out his whip, show him your knife.”
Jade wandered aimlessly on the busy street as if in a trance. The bright lights in the road danced around her eyes. Faces of people on the street elongated and looked like aliens. Voices were buzzing in her ears. But she heard HER clearly. So clearly, that she followed HER every command. “Find someone and have sex with him” SHE ordered.
“What’s the big idea Jade? Are you going to be like this all your life?” Jade stared at the ceiling. “I’m your controller Jade. You need ME, without ME, you are null. Who soothed you, when your father whipped you and there was no one to ease the pain? And you refuse to listen to ME sometimes? Remember the hurt you felt every time you went unnoticed, when your father would come home and hug your step-mother and not you? Remember the shame you felt, when you’re father in his drunken stupor stripped you naked and paraded you in the living room much to the amusement of your step-mother? Why? Just because you asked him to buy you a dress for your birthday? “Enough! I don’t want to hear anymore!” Jade yelled at HER.
Ignoring Jade SHE continued, “It was I who made you hurl abuses at your father; it was I who made your voice heard. He won’t come near you anymore and it was MY doing. You don’t need him Jade. Not as much as you need ME. Keep that knife under your pillow Jade. I always tell you, you might have use for it someday. “
“It was your fault your mother died. She died for you. She died because she couldn’t bear the torture your drunken bastard of a father meted out to you. She took the beatings, she took the pain. She couldn’t bear to see you taking it too. Why do you still need him? Listen to me and you will be happy forever. You must kill them both. Kill them!”
“No! I can’t I can’t” Jade screamed clutching at her throat. “Don’t make me do this. I will listen to you. Anything…anything at all. I can’t kill.” Jade pleaded. She felt nauseous. Her head felt heavy. SHE had been there for her at all times since her mother committed suicide by self-immolation. She is grateful to HER for HER company. But she just didn’t like the way SHE spoke. SHE made her do things to forget her sadness. Jade looked at her arm, the puncture marks were fresh. She suddenly felt like she needed a shot. She scrambled in her purse and found it. “Yes! That’s a good girl! You need one now don’t you? You will soon descend into oblivion, you will forget everything around you…..go on do it….feel euphoric…” SHE cajoled.
Jade listened to HER. Sometimes she liked what she heard. Sometimes she let herself be controlled by HER. She bit her lips as the syringe went through her skin and pierced her vein. She threw her head back and felt strange and yet comfortable. “Fuck YOU….Fuck father, fuck that step-whore…fuck this world..” mumbling incoherently she plopped on her bed and closed her eyes.
SHE chuckled. “Good! Now if I can just get you outside..” Jade smiled inadvertently... her eyes were still closed..
Jade administered another shot. She was at HER mercy now. She got up from her bed and stepped outside on wobbly legs. “Girl! For the first time in 16 years of your life, you are not going to regret this…follow ME” Jade heard HER say. “I know what is best for you. You need to listen to ME. You need to get back at your daddy, he fornicated…you must fornicate too. He beat you black and blue, you must rebel and show him who’s in charge. If he brings out his whip, show him your knife.”
Jade wandered aimlessly on the busy street as if in a trance. The bright lights in the road danced around her eyes. Faces of people on the street elongated and looked like aliens. Voices were buzzing in her ears. But she heard HER clearly. So clearly, that she followed HER every command. “Find someone and have sex with him” SHE ordered.
*****************
Jade woke up the next morning. She was in a strange place, someone else’s house and on someone’s bed. Her head ached badly. Holding her head she tried to get out of the bed, .When the bedsheets fell away, she was shocked to find herself nude. Her groin ached, her legs felt weak. She found dried blood on the sheets and some between her thighs. Then it hit her suddenly. She’d lost her virginity to some stranger all because of HER!!! “OH NO!” in a state of panic she frantically looked for her clothes, found them and wore them with trembling fingers. ‘Oh why did I listen to HER!’ she though. A man walked into the room just as she was ready to leave. “Hey honey, where you going? Jeeez ! You were too good last night….shall we…..”
She didn’t wait for him to finish. She ran past him and through the door. Outside she vomited on the street. She closed her eyes. Her head still throbbed. With a heavy heart and heavier legs she walked slowly back home. Once in the confines of her bedroom, she searched for the knife under her pillow and found it. It shined in the morning sunlight and felt cool in her hand. She was going to have use for it tonight just like SHE predicted. “Oh yes! I am going to use it tonight, just as you wanted me to” Jade said aloud.
All day she sat in a corner, weeping and looking at the picture of her mother. If she had been alive, SHE wouldn’t have come into her life. SHE wouldn’t have made her do bad things. “I hate my father!” “I HATE YOU BASTARD!” “ I HATE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE..FOR DRINKING..FOR BEATING ME AND MOM,.. FOR BRINGING THAT GOOD-FOR-NOTHING WHORE INTO THIS HOUSE!!” She screamed at the top of her voice.
“I am an addict mom, a drug-addict, and now I’m not a virgin anymore, I don’t want to bring another me into this world. Oh what have I done..what have I done??! SHE made me do all this..SHE promised me happiness..I am not fit to be your daughter anymore…” Jade cried and cried until she couldn’t cry anymore. ‘But where is SHE? Why isn’t SHE telling me anything?’
“I am here Jade! You have done ME proud. You are now a whore, a drug-addict ..now you must confront your father and kill him…slit the whore’s throat if you have too” SHE was back.! Jade felt bile rising in her throat at the sound of HER voice. “Oh yes, I am going to kill alright, I am going to KILL” Jade had been waiting for just this moment. She raised the knife and plunged it….
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” SHE screamed and then there was silence …
************
The next morning, Jade’s lifeless body was found in a pool of blood by her father. Jade had killed herself………… SHE was dead too..…in Jade’s brain….
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That is what I made everyone believe… that I am dead. No sirree! no.. I am not dead, I lurk in the subconscious brain of every Jade in this world… there’s one dying every minute now, but I resurface… now where to begin??
Copyright © 2006 Jyothi Samarthi
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